This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b