Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
wut hotdog?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
how much for the angry fruit?