if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
peak technology
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I get distracted pretty eas
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.