One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
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I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it