I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good