Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[cop sniffing me] you鈥檙e all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I鈥檒l try
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I鈥檓 not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*puts cutlery down*
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T潭台坍滩瘫處蛺叹蛼蛻W檀台毯汰蜎蜅蛦虁E谈苔叹虈蜅蜐峁勌刺μ刻嘥谈泰太虗叹蛼Y谭台蛧摊虨虒虂虂蛯 痰抬虦蜌蜎虝蜆T潭虥虨蛻虙蛻虆岣低毺喬昅痰太虪蛪虁脣谈蛿虧态虂虒虉蜆S潭虧虡虛探蛼虙蛻-
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Almost quitting time鈥heers!馃
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about