Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.