My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.