My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
the icebreaker
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
This could be us but you eatin’
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.