If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Great game to play with friends
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples