I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
What a website
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks