Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Alexa: *deep breath*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night