Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Traveler’s camo
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
*orders delivery*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me if I was a dog
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.