Netflix and scream at our children?!
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
<- sleeps well with others
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.