[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.