Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
You Might Also Like
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin