I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?