Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
blocked.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.