I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
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The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.