Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.