Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.