I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.