I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine