[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*