this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with