boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
You Might Also Like
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick