Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?