Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?