The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I mean…but I did
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.