Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*