Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Swedish for common sense.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.