Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Yup
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants