Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
You Might Also Like
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.