Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…