The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.