“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
You Might Also Like
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.