Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-