Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Perfect.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*