It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
okay run it by me one more time
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.