being a writer on Twitter:
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”