Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”