My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings