FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing