Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook