I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.