If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet