*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs