You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
#have a #great #PancakeDay
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare