If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor