Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
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Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
#have a #great #PancakeDay
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories